21 May 2001

I just can't seem to find my center. I can't seem to do anything right now. My "praying" is missing something and I don't know what. My mind wanders and I just end up thinking about how bad things are right now. I used to be able to find the good in everything, but the "good" is that I can be home with my son. However, the "good" is just not balancing with my husband's needs and wants for me to get a job and help pay the bills.

I've lit candles, I've tried to center myself, to meditate or just pray, and I feel blocked, and I don't know how to unbock myself. I've never felt this closed off since before I went to Germany almost 4 years ago. Before I discovered Wicca. I just feel that there is something horribly wrong, and there is nothing I can do to stop it.

It's like I'm "waiting" for something. I don't know what, I don't know why. I'm not a patient person, I hate waiting, I am a go-getter. This is so unlike me. It's seriously like my "get up and go, got up and went".
Help?