Nov 4, 1999
I'm pregnant again!

I write this on August 18, 1999. One year after losing 
Christopher Defiance due to an ifection in my uterus and the
loss of amniotic fluid. 

Two months ago, I had a missed miscarriage. This means my baby died 
but I only found out after an ultra-sound showed no heartbeat. 
I went in thinking I was 12 weeks, 
and it turns out my baby died at 9 weeks.

I know it is not my fault, but I remember some horrible stress because 
of my job and even because of my husband.  My job and my pregnancy 
affected my temper and I remember one night of uncontrollable tears.
Perhaps it was during this episode that my baby left me. 
I'll never know for certain.

It scares me to think that I may never have a baby of my own. 
Sure I can adopt, but that simply would not be quite the same. 
I, myself, was adopted, and have some wonderful parents who raised me. 
If it becomes definite that I cannot have children, then my husband 
and I both have agreed to adopt and we will love that child as if it 
were our own. There is never any doubt about that.

I made a mistake when I was very very young. 
Now, I feel that I am paying for it. 
I have three angels in heaven, not two. I don't know if I will ever 
be able to forgive myself. I can use excuses such as I was too young, 
too much ahead of me, and a boyfriend who was never interested in 
marriage let alone children, but that is all these are: excuses. 
I have no excuse for that mistake oh so long ago, but I know 
I will regret it for the rest of my life.

I don't know why I am writing this. 
I was told I need some closure in my life before I can truly move on. 
Perhaps this is a way of accepting who I am and what I have done. 
And maybe someday I will even forgive myself. I doubt it though.
Perhaps someday I will be blessed with a child of my own. 
If not, then I will love any child that needs me and my husband 
as parents.

As the title says, this is my confession. I have had it buried deep
in my mind and my heart for many years. It is not a pleasant 
confession and I pray that anyone who reads this does not hate me
for I hate myself enough. 

Please stop abortions.
Take it from me, the guilt is immense.

Life What a Beautiful Choice! Jonathon Emanuel Adopted: September 19,1999

Stop Abortion Not A Beating Heart!

I may never have a child of my own.
Don't do anything that you WILL regret later.

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